The recently revealed Trump comments are disgusting and indefensible. Speech like this should always be held accountable. This revelation has given me an entirely new perspective on the presidential race. After the debate and some solemn reflection, I had an epiphany. I humbly believe that Donald Trump must bow to Hillary Clinton’s undeniable expertise.


Hillary is the expert on sexual assault and women’s rights. I beamed with pride when she tweeted “Every survivor of sexual assault deserves to be heard, believed, and supported.” After she steadfastly defended a pedophile’s vicious rape of a 12-year old girl and laughed about it, blackmailed her husband’s multiple rape accusers, and stood by her sexually deviant husband in the midst of multiple affairs, this was a welcome change of pace! I was disappointed when this tweet was deleted and the sexual assault pledge removed from her website, but this wasn’t enough to deter my fanatical support for our beloved matriarch.

Hillary is the authority on mafia-style corruption. As First Lady, her use of the IRS as a weapon and illegal acquisition of FBI files on her political enemies can only be described as intelligent and pragmatic. The Clinton Foundation, the Clinton family money laundering organization charity, has provided the best theoretical relief since 1997. Whether the Clintons are embezzling millions from Haitian disaster relief funds, embezzling millions from selling one-fifth of U.S. uranium to Russia, or embezzling millions by selling access to the State Department, people in need know they’re in good hands!


Hillary is the most trustworthy candidate. Her immigrant grandparents grandparents taught her the right values to lead this great nation. When Hillary recalled her time in Bosnia, she misspoke about landing under heavy sniper fire and dashing across the runway, but displayed meritorious courage as she shook hands at the greeting ceremony. Hillary has always been a survivor. By looting the White House of furniture at the end of her husband’s term, she displayed incredible resourcefulness. Despite having a net worth of millions of dollars, Hillary reported she was dead broke leaving the White House. Luckily, with nothing more than a can-do attitude and pandering to wealthy elites, Hillary managed to bounce back and raise $22 million through private speeches. Hillary’s detractors often use her deletion of over 33,000 emails improperly stored on a private server while Secretary of State to try and smear her good name. A major presidential candidate can’t be expected to know ‘C’ stands for confidential! She has people for that!


Hillary is the expert on violent extremism, considering her top aide is knee deep in it. While studying at Wellesley College, she wrote a glowingly positive 92-page thesis on her mentor, Saul Alinsky. Alinsky is the author of “Rules For Radicals,” a political manifesto for radical activists, dedicated to Lucifer himself. Don’t worry, he’s totally not a Satanist, it’s a metaphor. Whether it’s supporting domestic terrorism in the form of Black Lives Matter or accepting donations from state sponsors of terrorism, you know our girl will do whatever it takes in the blind pursuit of power.

Hillary supports our troops—so much so that she lied about trying to join them! We all know that she was refused because of sexism and ageism, not because of inherent weakness. As Secretary of State, she failed to provide adequate protections to the embassy in Benghazi, witnessed a U.S. Ambassador and 4 CIA contractors be murdered, and lied about the attack to the public and grieving mothers, blaming it on a video.

Wait, what?!

Oh whatever. What difference at this point does it make?